bristol pin ten

I am so sick of being tired and almost in tears about everything.
The other night�I didnt feel anything and just sat on the bed without a thought going through my mind. But before that I was struggling not to cry because Scott worries about me when i have no answer when he asks whatapos;s wrong.
I am almost at breaking point.
I am just sick of being so ill all the time i hate not being able to do anything and if i do i feel faint. I am sick of the severe mood swings all the time.

Maybe I am just sick of everything all together....
I love being pregnant and knowing that there is a little life blossoming inside me but I hate everything that has to go with it.
Scott always whinges about backaches and being tired but when I want to whinge I get told, either apos;You have no ideaapos; when it comes to backaches or apos;You dont do anythingapos; when itapos;s about being tired.
It shits me that I have to put up with all this shit and not having a good enough excuse besides apos;Im carrying a babyapos;....it hurts me that my complaints fall on deaf ears.
After all he got me pregnant, this child is supposed to be something we both wanted, sometimes he just doesnt seem to care, never has been very enthusiastc about bub unless I tell him that I felt it move or something. He never really seemed to be very sympathetic when I had to go through all that stress in the beginning or when I am throwing my guts up.
Maybe he is just scared, but I want him to tell be, I am sick of asking whether this is really what he wants when I have a massive breakdown (how do I know if he is just trying to calm me down?)

I get so lonely because I really dont have anyone to talk to, when my friends who are mothers themselves call I am in a good mood, so they have no idea how I am realy struggling.
I hate what has happened to my body. My boobs are covered in nasty stretchmarks that poke out of my tops. My skin looks paler and veinyer than ever. My hair feels like straw and I just feel fat, even though I am not putting on weight.
Only on some days do I apos;lookapos; pregnant. And usually scott says that with a strange nervous look on his face...(what am I supposed to think about that????)

As for baby names, I swear he is determined to stick with the 2 names he likes. I dont like the name kylie as much becasue it just doesnt seem right but every other name I like is either an ex girlfriendapos;s name or a sisterapos;s name, or he just hates the sound of it....Although the name robert still stands if itapos;s a boy. I sit� there and read the baby name book I got and read out the names I like in the hope that he would become a little more active in finding a name, but no...
If he is all freaked out now, what is he going to be like when we have only a few more weeks to go???

Also, I need to get out of this house. I am sick and tired of feeling in the way here and his nanna is the only company besides the dogs I have. I cant get a job because I am a liability and I cant stand for long periods or I will faint. It sucks and I have another 5 months of sitting around on my ass with nothing to do...he whinges about having to go to work and only getting 2 days off (which is what everyone else gets, fair enough his hours are much longer...effectively pulling 12h days) yet all I can say is apos;At least you have something to doapos;.... I hate being jealous of him.
If i stuck with uni what would have happened? I would have gotten so sick and stressed that I ended up miscarrying and left uni due to even more severe personal issues...I wont ever forget that night I just couldnt take it anymore, I dont want to get to that point again.
Anyway if I stayed I woudnt have been well enough to do anything, I would have been a walking vomiting zombie for 10weeks...I still am that way now.

ARGH it is just so frustrating

I feel so helpless, the only thing that keeps me going is that I know I have scott coming home to me to hug me and make the boring, depressing life go away. The two days he has off are something I really look forward to, like a child does christmas or easter.


He wants to het a new job and I want to get a house and settle in before bub comes.

Who is going to get what they want?

I have told scott countless times that there is no way in hell�I am going to stay in this hellhole, I would rather go back live with my parents in the middle of nowhere. At this rate our kid will be 21 and still sleeping in the same bed with us..... Its a very depressing thought....

I just need a life to make the next few months not drag by so ridiculously slowly...before I go insane and kill everyone with those squeeky-toy fish in tha bathroom..........

Oh shit, maybe I already have gone insane...


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